Hello, fellow resonators, hope you are all well…
So, what have I been doing and contemplating in Week 23?
Well, I’ve had the best week in terms of diet and in terms of being grateful, and for the fact that I’ve finished the first draft of Resonating Meditations and Resonating Mantras together, and they’re just waiting for my lovely new editor to do her magic with them, which makes me want to dance with daisies.
I’ve also been trying to put out thoughtlings, (thoughts and feelings together), about my new body mindset and about never having to go back to my day job of being a support worker. Although the career is rewarding, I’m sending out signals that I’m ready to embrace being an author full time, and have been working towards that goal. Therefore, I’ve realised I was punishing myself each time I didn’t reach targets I set for myself that were impossible, which has made me neglect all other goals, like being mindful at all times about my conscious eating habits.
I’ve been kind to myself and allowing myself to meditate more as I say in my book, Resonating Meditations (which has also helped me get back to my true self) meditation gives you more time back than you feel you will lose by doing it, and this is true. I’ve been more productive because I’ve been able to step away and reflect, which has helped me think clearly and allow perfect thoughts to come through the space I left for the muse.
I’ve also been doing mantras all week about being slim singing the song I relate to in my book, Resonating Mantras, about it. Well, I don’t say “slim” because the word “slim” doesn’t resonate. Why? Because I’ve never been slim in my life. Even as a baby I had fat rolls to squeeze, and when I was seven and a half stone, and a size 6, not one bit of fat in my body, I was called chunky.
I’ve always had an athletic figure, but even then, when I look back on the body I had, and wish I could have again now, I used to call myself a dinky pie. A bakery used to sell such things in the area where I used to live… it was a little pie… called a dinky pie, so I called myself a dinky pie because I’m small, but I’m still a pie!
Why did I still do this? Is it just a natural human thing for us never to be satisfied with what we have or maybe an English thing to never say, “Yeah, look at me and my little fit body”? Did I really just try to project my inner thoughts onto others, before they had the chance to say “She may have no fat, but she’s still small and chunky”?
As well as an affirmation having to relate, I also talk about negative self-talk in my book, Resonating Affirmations, and wonder, even in this joking terminology about myself, am I always making a joke of my chubbiness and cankles (calfs and ankles that are merged), so I can prove to others who may see me as undesirable that I agree?
Is this so I don’t look like I love myself, don’t look deluded, or so I will still be liked, even if I’m not liked sort of thing?
Where does the mentality to call ourselves names come from? Why do big women always get typecast as being funny? Do big women have to have the fun side to be liked or are they so fun they can eat and not give a shit? What’s really going on? Is it time I grow up, stop laughing at myself like a kid with a hand in the sweet jar, and pull my hand out and ask myself “What are you doing? Do I want to be sneaky and cheat myself? Do I want to remain this way so I can complain? Do I need to continue to joke and laugh at myself for some reason? Or, do I want to take my life and body as a serious matter and do something actively towards repairing the state I’ve got myself into?
It’s simple, really. Do I want the crap foods that I know don’t resonate with me, or do I want to be my ideal weight? Do I want to be well? Do I want to live longer… keep adding to the list of benefits… my heart, lungs, arthritis, everything depends on what my brain tells me to consume, and I know what’s right, and what’s not right so is the addiction to sugar and shit really that bad, or is it my habits?
If I’m just a mass of energy and atoms like I mention in my book Resonating Mantras, then surely I can release some of this dense energy that I have stored on my body… send it back to where it belongs, and allow me to be free.
Have I used it to anchor me, so I don’t fly off and levitate into total freedom, because society and fear have always told me it’s not possible? What is it there for if not to serve me? Well, Resonation Realm, I no longer want these molecules of energy, I set them free to disintegrate – poof, into your aether never to return. I want to fly, wear cute flowing hippy clothes, and feel like a little fairy flying through the forest where no-one is judging me, dance around the trees and live the life free of weight and pain and feeling like I’m a bogged down heap of failure.
My being stretches far beyond this body now… I’m not inside it tied down, I’m outside of it resonating with what I prefer, catching glimpses of what will set this energy free.
When I remain conscious like this, putting reminders all over the house, I can no longer blame the subconscious for doing stuff that I only saw later on. If I’m a true mindful budding Buddha, then I should be aware at all times. So this is what I’ve been all week. I’m asking my body, “What is it you want me to know, for you to be how I want you to be?” and, “What do we need to eat?” and trying to listen.
I’ve also been trying to make videos at the moment and in doing so, I’ve been shocking myself to how big I look on camera. I had no idea I looked that big to others, as I think you sort of get used to yourself and can maybe somehow kid yourself… but in front of the camera, you cannot! I know the camera adds 10lb, but I honestly had to look to see if there were 3 cameras on me!
I cover myself up with baggy clothes, and it has allowed me to expand gradually. So, I’m going to start taking measurements of my body as well to let you know. This week I’ve been starving when I’ve gone to bed… I’ve done more yoga and exercise… drank better, and the 3 meals I’ve eaten in my 8-hour window have all been small and resonating… (just one little slice of cake which I didn’t enjoy…which I will continue to remind myself of and to say out loud until I get it, “I don’t enjoy cake!” or, “I don’t like cake anymore!”) I”m getting it in my head that I don’t actually like or want it now.
I’ve had a brilliant week in terms of mindfulness, resonating food and control of my habits, remaining conscious… but I’ve stayed the same on the scales. It’s so weird when this happens because I can see with my own eyes that my stomach has gone down, and I know I’ve not put it on in muscle… maybe my body is in shock and has made all reserves halt and stay put as I’m in starvation mode, who knows… but I’m giving my body no choice. I’m acting like I’m going to get a leading role in a TV show in 4 weeks and that I need to get in a bikini for it, and I’m continuing to sing my mantra!
Resonating foods I’ve had this week…
Lots of bulgur wheat and mixed veg, with beans and tofu,
Banana grapes and apples as snacks,
I’ve started my pea protein, wheatgrass, spirulina, baobab powder and almond milk smoothie for breakfast on some days, trying to up my protein and lessen my carbs.
End of week result…
A green face again this week.
I’m going to continue with my affirmation, meditation and mantra… I think 3 is key! A hat trick of tools to assist me on the journey… and like I say, I’ve got to reach 6 months and have lost at least 6lb from where I began in January… I’m all of a sudden more determined because I have to report and see this… therefore it will be.
Until next week, keep resonating.